Dear Dad,

Today is your party.  The day where you wanted all your friends together, with music and tequila.  The day we tried to envision through tears and hugs from the kitchen island, in early November.  We came to an agreement that day, that you wanted everyone to smile, to laugh, and to be happy. And that you expected me to get very, very intoxicated.

I’m totally going to cry through my smile.

I miss you so, so, so much, and when I think of you being gone I’m filled with a dull emptiness.   How much longer do I have to wait for that gap to stop physically and aggressively forcing me to sit down with its heaviness? It hurts.

I’ve reached my cap of memories with you, but today, I get to share the ones I have with others. Dad, Papito, we will think of you happily, and we will dance and smile. That’s what you would do for us, and ultimately, you deserve happy kids.

But I’m not going to lie, I fucking miss everything that was you. What I wouldn’t give for just one more hug. I really hope we make you proud today, and that you are honoured in a way that you earned by living the gracious, loving, and inspiring life that you did.

We love you.

Things you should know about pancreatic cancer.

November is National Pancreatic Cancer Awareness Month (world-wide).

FAST FACTS

• It is the 4th leading cause of cancer-related death in Canada
• Silent killer – it’s difficult to detect and spreads quickly.
• Vague symptoms including back/abdominal pain, jaundice and nausea usually appear after the cancer is at an advanced stage making it difficult to treat
• There are no detection tools to diagnose this disease in its early stages when surgical removal of the tumor is still possible.
• Surgery is best for long term survival, however, only 15% of patients are diagnosed early enough to be eligible for surgery (my Dad is not).
• It is the only leading cancer killer with a 5 year survival rate still in the single digits at 6% and the survival rate has not improved in the last 40 years. 
• It has the highest mortality rate of all the major cancers
  • 75% die within the first year of their diagnosis (most within the first 3 – 6 months)
  • 94% of patients die within 5 years.
• Approximately 52% of all patients are diagnosed when the disease has spread to surrounding organs leaving little hope for survival (only 2% will survive five years). My Dad’s has spread to his liver, making him ineligible for radiation therapy and surgery.  

Isn’t it insane that there hasn’t been improvement in 40 years? Isn’t it crazy that no one knows November is Pancreatic Awareness Month?  I’m no activist, but I will do my best to inform anyone I can about this, and when I’m back on my feet financially, I will certainly be making donations for research.

Find out more here: Pancreatic Cancer Canada

Cancer Secrets

When you become a care provider for someone with cancer, you learn quickly that the main priority is no longer “how many fun things we can do in the day”, but instead the basics:

• Pain control
• Staying “regular”
• Preventing nausea
• Managing energy
• Maintaining weight

They all build on each other.  My experience in chart form (because I am super nerdy this way):

So when I mentioned that you celebrate the little things when you are exposed to cancer, you really do.

• Your pain is 2/10 today? AWESOME! Let’s go for a walk.
• You ate a whole bowl of oatmeal! High-five.
• You have lots of energy today? Great! Let’s watch the whole Canucks game together.

I feel like these are hidden things.  Cancer-care secrets.  Your existence becomes reduced to simple, life-sustaining measures.

It’s taken us two months of trying different combinations of meds, foods, and timing to get into a groove.

My Dad’s weight is stable now.  He is not nauseated (that was the worst for me.  It’s really hard to watch someone whither away because they simply can’t eat or drink).  His pain hovers between 2 and 5 out of 10.  He’s kind of coming back to being himself, and wants more autonomy.  He actually wants to DO things.

It’s kind of deceiving though, because it makes you think he’s getting better.  But it just means that his quality of life is back.  Which is so, so amazing.

So now we plan.  How many fun things can we do in a day?