One of the first times that I delivered a baby, I stood there holding the baby like Rafiki holding Simba after he was born and just kind of marvelled at what I had done.
YOU GUYS LOOK WHAT I DID OH MY GOODNESS THIS IS AMAZING.
My momentus triumph was very immediately interrupted by my preceptor, who gently (urgently) said, “Sonia, let’s dry that baby and hand it to mom …”
The next time I delivered a baby it was over a toilet and I nearly took out my back and certainly ruined a good pair of socks. More importantly, I learned quickly how to unravel a cord wrapped tightly around a baby’s neck at that one, and how to clean up a pseudo-murder scene of blood in a bathroom …
Subsequently, I delivered one where mom was on all fours and I was left completely confused because all the maneuvers I had to do were backwards. Did you know: baby comes out behind mom when she delivers this way … so how do you get it to mom’s front so she can hold it before the placenta is delivered? Why, you have to weave it through the moms legs of course, along with the umbilical cord, until she is able to grab it and bring it up from below her legs.
See below for a terrible Paint pictographic representation of someone doing this with a kettle bell … then instead of a kettle bell, picture a LIVE SLIPPERY INFANT and me, on the floor …
This is my life now:“Congratulations, you have a baby! Care to grab it from between your legs now?”
After this, I delivered one at home on a bed. A very soft bed where I kept falling into the client. At this birth, I simultaneously learned how to manage a bit of a hemorrhage, and how much I love my semi-hard bed at home.
Then, last week, I delivered one in a hospital birthing tub all by myself. ALL BY MYSELF. I proudly got it out and placed it on mom and stimulated it and thought, “YES! I did it and there was no weird Rafiki moment! I did it!” Naturally, my preceptor then said … “Why don’t we get another couple of dry towels on that baby?” Darnit all, always with the towels!
What I can most certainly say now that we are 2 months in is this: first, I am unbelievably impressed with the clients I have been privileged to learn from and support in this special time, and, second, that my first twin catch, born lying down in the “normal” position, seems super basic .
Turns out I’m no basic birthing bitch.