I’m feeling disheartened.
It seems that everything that could go wrong in this placement lottery, is going wrong just especially for me. Unfortunately, the process-driven chaos has left me stuck in moments where I have questioned my commitment to this profession. This seemingly entrenched, inflexible hierarchy that is not willing to accommodate its paying stakeholders … has brought with it a whole new set of doubts for me personally.
Naturally, I still want to do this work. I believe I should do this work. However, I never expected it to be this challenging from the onset. If the student midwifery world – where we are arguably supposed to be the most sheltered and supported – is like this, then will I really enjoy the working world? Will political and structural disorganization cause me to become bitter and jaded against the profession that I love? Is real, positive, and constructive teamwork and change possible in a hierarchical profession that seemingly only considers the opinions and needs of the top of the hierarchy and finds communication and support of the bottom of the pyramid unnecessary? And why is that an acceptable norm?
Where is the informed choice, feminism, and supportive environment that seems to be the public face of midwifery?
I’m sure in a few years I’ll find the answers. It’s not in my nature not to find them.
I am, after all, an obligate, solution-oriented masochist.
… oh, I mean optimistic advocate for improvement and change 🙂