The following are real introduction emails I received from men via online dating websites, followed by my immediate reaction (which I never wrote, but … maybe should have?).
Fella 1: “Hey, I’m leaving online dating. It ain’t for me. Those looking for love are among those we know at school/work or among family/friends. And those who wanna bang are at bars or clubs. Good luck finding the right guy, beautiful. Farewell from captain obvious.”
DON’T GO! I’M THE ONE! WE CAN MAKE THIS WORK IF YOU WILL ONLY JUST GIVE IT A CHANCE!!!
Fella 2: “Well I can die now! Thank you.”
Umm you’re welcome? I guess. Like, don’t put that responsibility on me mister, I didn’t (and don’t) want you to die.
Fella 3: “You look much younger for your age!”
What the hell do you mean by that? I’m old, but I don’t look old? Could you date an old timer like me?
Fella 4: “Guess I can handle a Canucks fan. Better than a leafs fan lol! Hi!”
Don’t fuck with my hockey team.
Fella 5: “Hey there gorgeous! I like how motivated you profile is, it gave me a pumped up vibe 🙂 I think you’re pretty cool and would love to talk to you more. I also noticed Friday is valentines day 🙂 Ps I really like your main picture your eyes are very sexy 🙂 “
Well, the good news is that I think I feel generally good after reading this. I mean, so many smiley faces ultimately do boost joy levels. The bad news is that I’m exhausted. How did we get from compliments to a date on valentines day? Are we getting married next week? Ah this is moving to fast for me!
Fella 6: “If you were on Facebook i would poke you, just letting you know that i would tap dat ass. So why you no like Nickelback? I mostly only listen to them I’m a real Canadian so wanna bang on valentines day? I’ll light some candles put on some Nickelback and make sweet love to you.”
Pro: he definitely knows how to read, because he saw that I don’t like Nickelback.
Fella 7: “Just. Ran across your profile. You seem nice. Conversation is. Good. Like. To here from you.”
… said the 56 year old man with moustache. I can only date men who are able to use a period appropriately and who know the difference between “here” and “hear”. Plus you’re old yo!
Fella 8: “Wanna hook up?”
Ah the direct approach. Still no, though. Thanks.
Fella 9: “Interesting fact: you’re eyes just made my day.”
Your day must be pretty boring if the best part was looking at a small thumbnail picture of a strange Mexican-German girl on an online dating profile, in order to analyze her pixilated eyes.
Fella 10: “Hey.”
Will you marry me?
This dating thing is exhausting. I need a nap.