Online Dating: I wish I could write …

The following are real introduction emails I received from men via online dating websites, followed by my immediate reaction (which I never wrote, but … maybe should have?).


Fella 1: “Hey, I’m leaving online dating. It ain’t for me. Those looking for love are among those we know at school/work or among family/friends. And those who wanna bang are at bars or clubs. Good luck finding the right guy, beautiful. Farewell from captain obvious.”


Fella 2: “Well I can die now! Thank you.”

Umm you’re welcome? I guess. Like, don’t put that responsibility on me mister, I didn’t (and don’t) want you to die.

Fella 3: “You look much younger for your age!”

What the hell do you mean by that? I’m old, but I don’t look old? Could you date an old timer like me?

Fella 4: “Guess I can handle a Canucks fan. Better than a leafs fan lol! Hi!”

Don’t fuck with my hockey team.

Fella 5: Hey there gorgeous! I like how motivated you profile is, it gave me a pumped up vibe 🙂 I think you’re pretty cool and would love to talk to you more. I also noticed Friday is valentines day 🙂 Ps I really like your main picture your eyes are very sexy 🙂 “

Well, the good news is that I think I feel generally good after reading this. I mean, so many smiley faces ultimately do boost joy levels. The bad news is that I’m exhausted. How did we get from compliments to a date on valentines day? Are we getting married next week? Ah this is moving to fast for me!

Fella 6: “If you were on Facebook i would poke you, just letting you know that i would tap dat ass. So why you no like Nickelback? I mostly only listen to them I’m a real Canadian so wanna bang on valentines day? I’ll light some candles put on some Nickelback and make sweet love to you.”

Pro: he definitely knows how to read, because he saw that I don’t like Nickelback. 
Con: Ew.

Fella 7: “Just. Ran across your profile. You seem nice. Conversation is. Good. Like. To here from you.”

… said the 56 year old man with moustache. I can only date men who are able to use a period appropriately and who know the difference between “here” and “hear”. Plus you’re old yo!

Fella 8:Wanna hook up?” 

Ah the direct approach. Still no, though. Thanks.

Fella 9: “Interesting fact: you’re eyes just made my day.”

Your day must be pretty boring if the best part was looking at a small thumbnail picture of a strange Mexican-German girl on an online dating profile, in order to analyze her pixilated eyes.

Fella 10: “Hey.”

Will you marry me? 



This dating thing is exhausting. I need a nap.


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