I’d like to go back to July 1, 2013.
Leading up to July, on a fateful last weekend of May, I watched the sun set over the gorge while I danced my heart out at the Sasquatch Music Festival. I found out I was going to be a midwife soon after. At the time I thought it would be my last festival for a while, so I soaked in every note and every ray of sun.
During the same month, I attended my last Outreach training at work – I must have been to 20 of those. In June, I told my boss I was leaving, which was the hardest thing I had done to-date; we started planning my bittersweet exit from work. I was going to be a midwife! June also brought an amazing birthday party, where not one moment was an unhappy one.
I love those full, regret-free days. The ones just filled with light.
June passed sleepily and with sunshine, and by July 1, I found myself floating in a calm, beautiful lake, with a sangria in hand and the The Head and the Heart floating along with me. I called my Dad from the lakeside cabin, wished him a happy Canada Day, and then my second sangria and I got towed around the lake by a slow-moving electric motor boat. I woke early every morning on that vacation, and welcomed each day on a still, silent and peaceful dock.
On July 1, 2013, I felt pure bliss. I was 100% happy with my life and the direction it was going.
Eighteen days later, my life changed forever.
The truth about forever is that it’s happening right now. Your life could change tomorrow, over the phone or over the dinner table. My forever is different now, and I can never go back. I can never fit back into that old version of forever, because it simply doesn’t exist for me anymore. That thought alone is simultaneously depressing and liberating. It’s also fucking confusing, when you’re feeling “griefy”.
And so I hope that others can use my experience, without having to wade through grief to get there. I hope somewhat that this blog has helped people see an aspect of life, grief, and health care that they wouldn’t have seen otherwise. Grief and terminal illness are very misunderstood.
Definitely a huge deviation of what I thought I’d be blogging about … but, I hope whoever reads my posts still enjoys them, nonetheless. Maybe throw me a comment sometime, if you do : )
Here’s to a new version of forever.